Feelings of guilt (42)

Perhaps you only feel guilt because of the final outcome? Was the affair exciting for you?

Sounds like the grass wasn't greener on the other side after all.

My ex wife told me her feelings of guilt will haunt her for the rest of her life, and this was after I forgave her. Know that I did so not only for her benefit, but for my mental health and the well being of our children. With her, there was no chance to reconcile; her attraction for me was gone, even though she 'hated herself' for feeling that way.

What is confusing is her bitterness towards me now that I'm in another relationship. So, hard as I try (including reading everything I can find on the subject) I'm no closer to understanding her and cheating than I was when she firs told me. Bottom line? It's a lose-lose.

Yeah pretty much sounds like it (the affair) ruins things for everybody...even the cheater who thought they were moving up in the world. And the kids get caught in the middle.

More than anything, it seems the basic problems that lead to cheating are often if not always present after the deal. In my case, her words were strongly directed to inform me that I wasn't 'being replaced' but her actions said just the opposite. For two or three years before she often withheld sex, but it wasn't until she actually hooked up with another man that she seemed to find the courage to tell me she wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to be on her own. 'Time to think' was the line as I recall, but it was actually time to do something else. And that 'something' wasn't done alone.

Most painful was her return when my father passed away. The divorce was not final yet and she expressed deep regret and caring towards me during that period; saying she wanted to come home and take care of me. I was not ready to have her move back in (and my kids were totally confused by this time...especially my 16-YO daughter) but we did spend time together, dating and kissing/holding each other. A few weeks down the road I sensed her pulling away again, and when I called her on it she confessed she had been seeing a man (the third since our split, this one married with kids...) and she she 'didn't want to be that way' (cheating) anymore.

To review, my wife did not want to cheat on her married boyfriend by seeing me; her husband. Convoluted? Call it what you want but she's been in the rear-view ever since. Is it manipulation or meanness? You tell me.

"My ex wife told me her feelings of guilt will haunt her for the rest of her life..."

Guess what - she's lying.

She's lying? Her? Naahhh :-)

Look, it didn't take me long to discover my ex would say things she thought i *wanted* to hear, so I'm down.

Still, there's a history of guilt and sorrow in her family...almost like some are addicted to it. Take a good life, mess it up and have something to bitch, moan and complain about for years. Plus, she's ignoring her kids. Any idea what to make of that? I mean, out of the picture for over a year.

"Any idea what to make of that?"

Yes, American women, GENERALLY only respect/desire men who abuse or mistreat them in some way. That's why they love to run off with and get knocked up by irresponsible jerks, bums, con-artists, and moochers.

Just don't let anyone fool you into believing "research" proves all women all over the world are like this. You can find better women outside of the United States who don't behave this way.

They do shit like this and then have the nerve to call YOU selfish when you proactively put your foot down and refuse to put up with it. The worst part about it is the legal system probably sought to make you subsidize her bad choices via alimony, etc. Did they?

Show me a spouse who claims to regret committing adultery, and I will consistently show you a bold-faced liar. This is especially true when it involves wives.

Ex-wives are especially nasty when they see their ex-husbands dating other women. They expect the ex-husbands to become celebate monks while they hypocritically live the wild life dating & sleeping with numerous men.

"The worst part about it is the legal system probably sought to make you subsidize her bad choices via alimony, etc. Did they?"

Not in my case Ali. She pretty much stepped off the edge, leaving the kids and me when it became clear we (my son, daughter and me) were sick of living in an utterly distressed household. About a year later she told me she had a 'change of heart' and wanted me to move out, leaving her with the kids. They refused. The divorce went final and they live with me. She's supposed to pay child support, but doesn't. I'll let the state deal with her.

"Show me a spouse who claims to regret committing adultery, and I will consistently show you a bold-faced liar. This is especially true when it involves wives.

Ex-wives are especially nasty when they see their ex-husbands dating other women. They expect the ex-husbands to become celebate monks while they hypocritically live the wild life dating & sleeping with numerous men."

I think there is some regret and guilt Tommy, I really do. I don't think it actually involves her romantic life with me however. But, as we all know, there is much more to life than romance, important as it is. No question she misses the fact that she was the most important person to someone else (me) and although other men might say so, they'll have a hard time stacking up against my 17 years of faithfulness, love and support. More than anything, she can't escape that she literally threw her family, life and reputation away. No doubt much of that gets pushed over onto me, but that's OK. Time will tell.

I have met and am dating a wonderful woman now and she's extremely pissed about it. Thing is, her power over me is gone, except her ability to hurt the kids. That's her last card and she's playing it. She's not all bad, but bad enough, you know? I'm truly glad to be out of it.

Django say: Yak, Yak, Yak. Woman say much. Mean nothing. Action count. Not word. Django have spoken.